I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
pray to the hookup gods
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I love that you put so much thought and effort into your nudes
I don't send half assed nudes. Go big or go home.
Randomize
