just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
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