Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
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