The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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