remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
