Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.
I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
We just had an accidental Facebook titty pic scare.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Yo whoever left a thong on the dining room table, first of all get help second of all please remove it now
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