Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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