Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
operation harelip BJ is a go
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
There's nothing worse than carrying your fairy crown and wings home wearing fishnets
I'm just over here all sober hanging with two high people talking about how they're "free-spirited stallions."
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
