I'm pants shitting drunk right now
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
Randomize
