did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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