she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
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I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
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You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
what the fuck happened to the tacos
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize