Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I just saw the Donald Trump of homeless quys walking down the street. He had three shopping carts and a bike.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
It's blow job season.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
Went to take a shower. Brought my wine, forgot my towel.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
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