If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
