You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I just realized now that I slept with him while he was still wearing the maid costume... I've reached a new level of sexual freakness.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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