Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
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