Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
Randomize
