i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
worst night to have a conscience
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
its the pipe that keeps on giving. Just when I think it's done, I scrape just enough. It's a st. Patrick's day miracle!
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
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