Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
So if my boyfriend and I hooked up with the same girl it’s not like I cheated. It’s communal.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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