I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Your english degree would kill itself if it could read that text.
maybe a couloe typos.. noooooooooo big deal
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
Randomize
