and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
