the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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