if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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