two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
