Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.
She hash-tagged my name. I think it's safe to say that she remembers our hookup.
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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