I am not hooking up with him just to see what his penis looks like.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I checked into jail on foursquare
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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