i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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