It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
Dignity is for republicans.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?