i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.