I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Please dont jizz on my ds screen.
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
