I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
