I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
Give me a second. I'm doing my best but I'm drunk so for some reason fitting both my boobs in the pic is just incredibly difficult. They aren't THAT big. I'm just being retarded.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
Randomize
