I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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