I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Randomize
