I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Randomize
