i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
You're breaking my sexual little heart
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Randomize
