there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
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