I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
Whoever decided to put a Denny's that close to the strip club is a genius.
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
Randomize
