Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
let me drop the bass on your empty vagina syndrome
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
