I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Now I can't say for certain but I'm 90 percent are I bathed myself with dog shampoo last night
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
fuck st louis. fuck their hockey. fuck their basball. fuck their football if they still got it. fuck their tiddlywinks teamm. fuck their ribs. fuck their entire city. what im trying to say is i dont like st louis
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