I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
i just wanna soil my oats bro
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
