so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Randomize
