My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
That would be a mascot riding an ATV at a semi-professional hockey game, if that doesn't sum up how I've been I don't know what could
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
