I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
