i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
