All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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