I'm going to rape someone's good day.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
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