Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
The last I heard from her she said she was going to plant sunflowers, get drunk on white wine and listen to Everybody Wants to Rule the World on repeat.
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
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