I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
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Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
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The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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