last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
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