You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
