OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
My liver is preforming stress tests.
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
