our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
We broke into a construction site had sex on a scissor lift and realized it was a church...tomorrow again??
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