I'm so fucking centered right now
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
It's official. I'm gonna fuck hot art class guy. But this won't be like hot Samsung guy. I'm gonna make sure I follow through this time.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
