So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
It was cool in an 'oh shit I'm gonna get arrested' way.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
