i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Randomize
