Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
I seriously think I may just have to live here. In this bed. Naked.
...and that's why girls with IBS don't paint their nails
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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